• The Chefs

LOVE, VENOM & HATE IT MUST BE VALENTINES OR MARTHA HAS A NE W BOOK


Big, no HUGE news this week my new book just came – yes I fucking lied to you the other day….I have a book out !!!! so there, but first let me in inspire your culinary juices as its Valentine’s.


After a frantic message on LinkedIn (over 50 of you people asked to connect and to the 50 of you who TRIED, back the f***away and NO means. NO even on social media! She claimed to be the wife, far too pretty to be an actual celebrity chef’s wife, let alone a non-celebrity chefs wife (i poked around her social pages) She was going on about we have nothing for valentine’s day, you could try Tiffany or Cartier or Anne Summers, or Amazon you have that now down under, I mused to myself. But I read something in the catering media that one of the “Twins” has launched a new school kids canteen business, so chef’s hat off to you. I say you as I am not convinced, there are two of them, I mean just look on Google, Nada peeps, sweet FA. I wanted to ask the wife how was her husband’s mental illness after he sent me $40 this week, or was it progressive over time and if she didn’t know what I was on about then..my next question way. Did you know you are married to a nut job schizoid, who thinks he is a twin?. But the inner Cerise (the good Angel who doesn’t drink) said “Cerise Pyes”,hush up that filthy trailer trash park mouth of yours, this instant” after a 10 min argument I gave up and didn’t ask...next time, i will get to the bottom of this if its the last eclair I ice.


So let me tell you about my new book, well its not new it never came out last time, I was committed at the time, not to work or a another human, I couldn’t commit to a gold fish, let alone a person. I can’t bring up phlegm, let alone a child, so what hope has someone real (not made of silicone, as some vicious bitch who can’t cook for fuck blogger) , wrote about me not so long ago. FACT I have May Flan in the car with me so, I can go in the drive pool lane (look it up, you don’t have roads imagine,). At the time I was committed to an institution as a precautionary measure, after 4 days of popping the A to Z of under the over counter prescription drugs and 4 spoons of a new batch of Tonka Bean and Honey infused mushrooms. (Recipe to follow) I was only icing pictures of a naked Trump on fairy cakes for a Republican fundraiser, i photos they were just blobs of orange.


It did clear up my rash very nicely I do have say. But back to the book: Golden Crumbs, a 100 AMAZING BAKING RECIPES TO DIE FOR OF BAKING GENUIS BY PASRTY CHEF CERISE PYES. Best seller people, no need to thank me you can have a free copy *here is the link, and treasure it,